Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn't here.
Van
An east-coast, vegetarian, Liberal: Van was a native New Yorker who happen to be born in Memphis. He loves music, Sharpie Markers, bizarre grammatical structuring, his country, cussing or cursing (your choice), most cream based soups, and tea tree shampoo while trying to avoid bills, cancer, goat cheeses, incest, jerking around, and fobbing off. Math genius on the calculator, multilingual with various dictionaries, and in no way to be confused for an actual medical doctor, Van is.